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The Official BurntFilm List of Douche Bags: Entry # 1
By burntfilm | August 1, 2008
The greatest part about my job is obvious… The worst?
Let’s see. I’ve had BurntFilm.com since 2005, and we’ve been working diligently since then at making dirty, smutty, tawdry pictures and movies featuring sexy naked women.. We’ve definitely gotten better over the years, and we’re almost where we wanted to be by now, but as with anything, there are impediments… some dick is always trying to piss in your cheerios. This section is dedicated to those people. Liars, cheaters, pimps, bait and switch models, copyright and trademark infringers, schmucks that give away what they paid for, morons who feel entitled, phonies, wannabes, lazy cut and paste coders, crappy auto shops and coke snorting porn hags. I’ve seen alot of shyte and met alot of douchebags over the years This list details my favorites. #1 Alexa/Olya. The bait and switch babe. Don’t call us stupid. We already know that.Oh Miss Alexa, she was pretty enough…It started as an email request to the OMP portfolio of an amazing Brunette named Olya, last August. Absurd figure, 5′2″ 34 D 24 34. She had 10 photos up, credits with excellent companies, 22 years old. We asked if she wanted a gig with BurntFilm. She sent us a “yes” from her OMP port to our yahoo. We were stoked. Asked her if she wanted to come to the City to shoot and she said, “that would rock, but just so we knew, she has a studio in Ct and access to a Mansion in Greenwich.” :Well, that sounds like it will work,” I replied, “I could use a break from the city, its fucking hot out, and our digs are a mess. we’ll come to you. What are your rates?” Dammmn ! that is a high ass rate. I’ll pay it anyway, you’re a fucking All Star.Sent out the stylist. Hired Make Up. Called in my compadre the immortal Valois. High was ready to go. Rented a sweet ride for the trip. Loaded it up. Driving North, things started to go south. Traffic in Manhattan was a bastard. High and I were getting anxious. You don’t want to be late for this type of girl, no way. I called her, told her we were getting beat down by big city bottlenecks. Said we might be late. She was Cool! “No problem Doug M.” she says… “get here when you can…”Escaped from New York.Hit Ct. Hit her neighborhood. Condos . One story houses. We’re looking for a studio. Her address was the left side of a split.Our MUA took note. Doesn’t look like a studio. “No. indeed it does not.”Pulled up. Smelled funny, Air tasted like scammer. No, couldn’t be. No way. Yup.Some big dude came out, said hello, he’s her Man. OK, leave the equipment in the car.Lets meet this woman.We did. Wasn’t “olya”. Was someone else. Someone I’d seen, A hottie? yes, but a “Not that Hottie”. One who’d made herself available to shoot with us on numerous occasions… Somehow she’d forgotten that when she decided to pull the switch. I said “hello Miss Olya, I’m Doug M. pleasure to finally meet you.” “You too, you can call me Nikita, thats just a stage name” I called a huddle.Ever astute High pointed it out. “er, Douglas, I think this is not the same woman.”"No doubt” I asked her to join me in the other room, the bed room, of the condo. The condo, not the studio. I told her I knew what she did. I opened the video she had sent me a while back, under her “Alexa” identity, the one where she’s somehow managing to smoke cigarettes with her snatch. I put it next to the pictures of Olya. I pointed out the immense difference between the two ladies. She at first tried, seriously, to say that it WAS her in the Olya pictures. I asked her if she thought that the more adamantly one argues a lie, the more true it would become. She was confused. “…what?” ”Put it this way” I said, “If I sit here and swear to you that I’m Tom Brady, with all of my heart and emotion, will I then be able to go home and fuck Gisselle?” ”What?, no, thats not me in those pictures, My manager must have put them up recently, I didn’t know… Thats my sister!!! OH My God! I swear” Snake. “Ohhhh I said, so your manager did that?” “Yes, its all a big misunderstanding!!” Ohhh, I said again, wow, so you don’t run your OMP port? You didn’t see the photo of your “sister” when you went in and checked your mail and answerd me?” “Yeah!” she was picking up more steam. “My manager does that stuff for me, he forwarded me the email!” I sighed. “Now all we need to figure out how your manager managed to answer to “Olya” when I walked in here. That was impressive, how it came from your mouth and all…” She made an attempt to start histronics. Oh, no, this is… This is weird…” Emotions started welling. I said “STOP” and immediately went on. “Clearly, Alexa, that isn’t you. you lied to us, and you got us out here. And you did it. You absolutely don’t have a manager. You wasted my time and my scratch, you’re a scammer and a snake, but that can’t be changed. the only thing that can be affected by what you do is what we do next. I’m gonna offer you a proposition. If you come down to the studio, I mean, living room, and admit to my crew that you lied, I’ll stay here and shoot you at the rate we give models just starting out with us…” She thought… “But that is my rate, that’s what I get in LA…” “Well its too high. you’re not pretty enough for that.” “wha..” a tear. “I know it, and you absolutely know it, or you wouldn’t be pulling this shit. You’re hot, hot enough to shoot with us, but you’re absolutely not hot enough for that dough.” “Wha.. let me.. this is weird… I don’t know what to do…” “Yes or No Alexa” “Stop, stop calling me that… I’ll” “Yes or NO Olya, come apologize to everyone and admit what you did. Clean slate. We’ll pay you what you’re worth physically, and forget this happened.” “How, how about we do an hour, at your rate, just so its not a waste” “No Nikita, Yes or No.” “Well… I feel weird, wha… no” OK. We’re leaving. You, your chance has passed. You could have redeemed yourself. You refuse.” We left.I was bent so we went and ate. Big fun. We had wine. Total trip -$600 ish all for this shitty story and a lesson in asking for references. Hey, such is life. coming soon: Nefarious Programmer RPQ steals our scratch, leaves job unfinished. YUP! Cokehead model sleeps through shoot, misses gig after long night of partying with some dude she doesn’t know. YUP! Assboy photog takes zoom shots of bikini models while they change. YUP! Random squatter dude using our name as a tag on his actual baby pictures? YUP!
Topics: editorial |
April 5th, 2008 at 2:14 am
Fucking nuts!